i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
