Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
