Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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