I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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