i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i've created a new STD.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize