Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
