i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
