how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
