Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
