Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
