Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
