I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
