Betty ford says i'm here all night
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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