I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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