about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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