Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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