so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize