woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
