omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
