I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
