i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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