My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
what day is it and did you see me today?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
