When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
