if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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