alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
