cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
