im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
