just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
