worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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