My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
