my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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