words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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