I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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