Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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