This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
