i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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