I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
