Say something about gay babies.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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