my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
