I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
