Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
third nipple confirmed
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
