Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
