I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
