I faked an abortion last night.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize