DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
