3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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