Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
