Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
