It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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