I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You are the jesus of drinking
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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