Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
