mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
