making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
