she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
