I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
