stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
