Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
