I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
