Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm too high and old for this...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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